Happy or sad? Remember I asked you when I wanted to sing for you. You said sad. The war changed you forever. And after that day where you couldn’t rescue that boy, fulfill your protector duty you had swore to the almighty you would do your whole life. Something inside you broke, cause the little boy you were supposed to save died. You were 5 seconds late. And his face haunts you for the rest of your life. You still don’t understand how you are not dead either. Or how did you survived all the things you went through. You sang in the bleak midwinter all those months, expecting lady death to come for you. And you got angry when she didn’t. Why would God be so cruel to you and made you go through that? Not even I know the answer to that cause you never deserved any of it. Love was the only thing we had to offered each other, but War takes that from us doesn’t it? Maybe you didn’t save him but you did save me. That night in November, where I also heard the song of the bleak midwinter calling to me. You went to the hanging tree and asked me to follow you and disappear to never be found again. I wanted to do it, maybe I would have done it if we hadn’t had endless fights about Christmas for months. Cause they were stupid fights. I understand you hate Christmas but all I wanted to do was to give you a present that day. But well, we always fought about religion and what you thought was right. Cause you always had a big entitlement on how you thought I should leave my life. And even when I chose something different than you, you still stayed, heartbroken, betrayed and broken. You disappeared from everything and everyone but you never lost sight of me did you? Cause why have your letters been coming to me for months? Probably frustrated I didn’t answer when you called this year in February. To be honest I was confused cause after the last time we talked and you told me you never wanted to speak to me again, why would you suddenly start calling me a year later again? You may try to change the past old friend, but the story always stays the same. And I meant what I said in my other letter. I thought about you all the time. And I think about the hanging tree, this time I went there alone, and dug two graves for us. I don’t think we will have a third round in this lifetime. Maybe you didn’t save that boy but you did save me.

And to my old friend….

You never knew this but you were always my muse in all of my stories. My own personal knight in golden armor. You saved my life and you became the way I wrote art, maybe I couldn’t speak to you directly anymore, but through my writing I did constantly, all those years. I never forgot you, I just let you go and let you be happy cause sometimes when you love someone that’s the only thing you can. Let them go. I know you see yourself as a failure, cause you can’t live up to the own expectations you have for yourself, which are crazy, and I have crazy expectations for myself as well so that’s saying a lot. You can’t just save the whole world alone. You’ve done so much in life and you only focus on the one time you couldn’t save a life. But you’ve saved many others. I hope you still get shy when nurses tell you you have big arms break bones, I hope wherever you are that you found happiness, even if it wasn’t with me. And hope you know you are always the hero in every single one of my stories. My muse.